Just Breathe

In October or November of last year, I began to get sick. Fatigue, mostly, and a bit of nasal congestion. I fought it off until Thanksgiving, when it broke out into a full-blown head/chest cold for a few days. After that I got better, except for a little lingering fatigue and persistant cough… until the week before Christmas, when I got raging sick again. I rarely go to the doctor for a cold, because I know that antibiotics do nothing for viral infections… fluids and rest are the only remedies necessary, other than a good immune system. This time, though, the symptoms were more severe and I was having trouble breathing. I went, and was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection, and prescribed antibiotics. They didn’t work. Back to the doctor… and again… and again, each time given a different antibiotic. By now all of my head/chest cold symptoms had passed, but I was still very fatigued and having trouble breathing.

By mid-January I couldn’t stay awake for more than 15-20 minutes without pretty strong stimulus, and hubby (a former EMT) had put me on oxygen a couple times to ease my breathing (I probably should have gone to hospital, but hubby was afraid it would freak me out). Finally, my doctor sent me to a pulmonary specialist for a chest x-ray and pulmonary function test. The specialist sent the diagnosis to my regular doctor, who gave me the report: emphysema.

Allow me to digress a moment. My immediate ancestors are generally long-lived and tend to drop dead rather suddenly or after very brief illness. That is, except my maternal grandfather, who was a lifelong smoker and died of emphysema. Emphysema is a slow, progressive, degenerative disease. Grandpa passed when I was in junior high, and I never knew him when he wasn’t gasping for breath. In his last years, he started taking oxygen, until he was on it continuously, and still he gasped, fought, struggled for each breath he took, until the last. My parents both smoked when I was little, but both quit when I was around 7 years old. I’ve never smoked, and I avoid second-hand smoke as much as I can. Mom will be 70 next year, and her lungs are fine. So I’ve always assumed that when my time came, it would be quick. Now, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I not only saw my grandpa’s ears, I saw him gasping for breath. I saw myself gasping for breath, struggling for years until my life consisted only of prolonging that life, one breath at a time.

I was devastated. And terrified.

In the midst of this, I lost two of my mentors within 2 weeks… a lady who was a lifelong friend of the family, and the professor who got me into grad school and pointed me toward my current career. I felt surrounded by death.

I shared the full extent of my anguish and fear with only my husband and a couple of my close friends. To give it voice was to make it stronger, and it was already crushing me. (I couldn’t even tell my parents… it would have devastated my mother as well.)

My doctor put me on medications… steroids and bronchodilators, and antihistamines to keep my allergies from exacerbating the condition. I finally went back to work the last week of January. At first I was just glad to be vertical again, but it felt so surreal, going on with life as if my whole future hadn’t just been turned upside down. Eventually, though, I managed to regain some perspective. I started reading up about emphysema, and found out that in young non-smokers, the primary cause is deficiency of an enzyme, alpha-1-antitrypsin. So when I went back to my doctor for a follow-up, I asked him about it. He confessed that it was beyond the realm of his expertise, and he referred me to the pulmonary specialist. My appointment was yesterday.

The PS asked me for a complete history of the illness, dug up my results from the previous pulmonary function test, performed another short breathing test (since I’ve been on meds for a month), and pronounced that I have ASTHMA. I told him I was so relieved, that my regular doc had said I had emphysema. PS looked back at the report and said that no, he had written that I had COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), without differential between asthma and emphysema. My response to the medications, and the results of the quick breathing test that he had just done indicated asthma. He said emphatically, “You don’t have emphysema.”

After two months of torment, of dreading my entire future, I have been given a reprieve. I have asthma. About 1/3 of cases are adult onset. I’ll have to take medications to control it, and I’ll need to explore what triggers it, so as to avoid those triggers. I’ll live with it the rest of my life, but I will live… and breathe… at least, until I die.

It feels good to take in a lungful of air, to heave a big ol’ sigh of relief, to look forward in thanfulness instead of fear.

Of People Lost and Regrets

So, I was poking around in archives looking for a picture of me with my first real gun. A Remington Nylon 66, and I came across some pictures that brought back a flood of memories. Maybe where I get some of my fondness for guns. That would be my Dad from years gone by with his rifle. I couldn't help but feel a connection and a loss. He passed before I really got deeply into the shooting sports and teaching. Funny but it seems that we had just begun to develop a much better relationship, than when I was growing up, when he was taken from this earth. All that "I know everything and you old folks are wrong" crap that I have now lived to regret has come back. We were supposed to take a Stearman up for a jaunt the weekend before I had a serious crash on my bike and he was diagnosed with cancer. The weather didn't cooperate so we canceled our flight and he was gone before I healed enough for us to reschedule.

I'll also share an OH $#!T moment. Many years ago in a previous job I was at a customer site with a few other engineers on a particularly intense install and in going to get something out of my toolbox, found the tool I needed was missing. I gathered up the engineers and said, "Damn it, if you are going to use tools out of someone's toolbox, put them back where you found them!" I had to clamp my hand over my mouth. All of the sudden, I had become my dad. I could hear the lecture from him like it was yesterday with me standing there having just taken something apart with his tools and left things scattered all over the garage.

Some Days Suck more than Others.....

It's no secret, I work in a wind tunnel. Things were going so well..........

So, it is the last work day before a holiday. The last run of a test and things go horribly wrong as they will at this time of day. So imagine an object that ships in a 6'X2'X1' box. Then imagine us packaging it with all its accessories into a 1.5'X1.5'X1' box. Things do not do well when they go through a B-29 Propeller spinning 900 RPM. Is it wrong that the jingle for the ad for Salad Shooter is going through my head right now?

Sorry, no pictures outside the facility. These are the times that fry mens souls.

Honorable?

Senator Grassley of Iowa wants AIG execs to do the honorable thing. Two words, Mr. Grassley: You first. And take the rest of the Congresscritters with you.

Great Primer Shortage of '09

Talk to the Dad in Law last night, The local shooting supply house got a shipment of 300,000 primers in last week. He needed small pistol primers and went in to pick some up. The shop owner told him he sold 150,000 of the primers IN THE FIRST DAY! That's a run. A week later, he is sold out completely.

Buy em while you can folks because if they can't ban guns, they are going to make ammo non existent before the war.

Better Faster Syndrome

Do you suffer from BFS? It is all too common and is treatable. I used to suffer from it and still occasionally have brief popups of it but not anywhere near as much as I used to.

The most common form that still rears its ugly head is in male firearms instructors teaching female students. Be it, husband-wife, father-daughter, boyfriend-girlfriend or professional instructor-student. The "Here little missy, let me get that for you" is unfortunately all to common still. And it is so very wrong then and now!

As an instructor, you are doing your students a disservice as well as showing disrespect for them when you do this. Your job as an instructor is to help the student learn and develop the skills, attitude and confidence to perform a series of functions. If they are learning firearms for self defense, you are not going to be there to do things for them when they are in need so why do it for them in the first place. You should help them through any tasks they are having trouble with but you should make sure they are able to do the task at hand and succeed at it. This last part is very important, if they do not succeed, you have not successfully taught them the skill and they have not developed the self confidence that they can do it when they need to. Even if they need to go home and practice these skills more to gain proficiency, they need to know how to do it properly for themselves before they leave your care and guidance.

There are times that for safety, you need to take control of the gun and get the student back into a safe condition. BUT, it is very important that you explain what happened, why you intervened and what the student needs to do to correct their behavior to complete the skill safely and correctly. Get back on the horse.

It took firearms training to teach this lesson to me and it has transferred into my mild mannered alter ego as well. In my "day" job, I work with professionals from multiple industries as well as under graduate and grad students. There are things the students need to learn to prepare them for life in the real world. However, there are times when for life safety or regulatory reasons, they need to just step back out of the way and let those qualified/certified to accomplish the task at hand do the work. Still, I need to get them pointed in a particular direction and then make sure they can complete the task at hand that is something they can do. With customers, they may know their realm of their product but when it comes to our expertise, that is why they came to us in the first place, so we have to take over. But, we also need to educate them about what it is we do and why we do it so they can understand what is happening and so they can better understand what their widget is doing and why. If they leave with a hand full of data and no understanding of it, we have failed in our job.

In days gone by, I would have quickly become frustrated with the time it was taking the students to do something and I would have just stepped in and done it myself. Not so much any more. Now I will make the time to let them do their thing. Unless for priority or scheduling reasons, I am directed to step in and do it for them.

As a line officer in the fire department, there were often times I felt like jumping in and taking over for the troops on the line. But my job was to stand back and watch for safety issues, communicate, coordinate and direct and make sure they have all the resources they needed to safely do their job. There are times when you just have to trust that the people you have in the position are up to the task and even if they do not do it your way, if they get it done safely and the end result is correct, let them do their job. It's the same with teaching students. Your way may not work for everyone. If you show them your way and with some modification, they can accomplish the same thing safely, let them do it their way.

It all comes back to training. Did they receive proper training that would let them accomplish the task safely and completely. If they had a good instructor, they did and they have the self confidence to know that they can complete the task at hand. That is when you have done your job as an instructor well.

AFTERTHOUGHT:
I think this syndrome can be traced back to misplaced chivalry. There was a more civilized time when men did things for women out of respect and reverence. This has been lost as society has pushed for the more sensitive male and it has been perverted with the male superiority complex better known as testosterone poisoning. It happens all the time in more than just teaching but this is where I see it and experienced it most.

Oil Filter FAIL

So, yesterday I was teaching a reloading class. I got up and left the house insanely early so I had time to pick up a couple items and get things set up for class.

"If directions ot your house include 'turn off the paved road', you might be a redneck"

I'm a redneck. Anyway, I just got out onto the paved road and lost oil pressure. Stopped. got out the flashlight and with all the mud dripping off the truck (Did I mention it has rained here the last few days?) started looking underneath. The oil filter was dripping oil and this means when the engine was running it was pumping oil out.

Called the Mrs, she came and we transferred gear, secured my truck, took her back home and blasted off to class late. Unfortunately, I felt like the rushed disorganization carried over into class. The students said they were happy and got good information but I didn't feel satisfied myself. The students are what class is about so if they are happy and satisfied, that is good. I just wish I was happier about my performance.

Stopped by NAPA on the way home and got another oil filter and oil and made the repairs on the side of the road so I could drive it home. BLEH.

So begins another week.

The Devil and the Details

Details are important in my line of work. Attention to detail can mean the difference between publishable results and a colossal waste of time and resources. And I’m fairly good at my job. Even in my personal life, I pay decent attention to details (or at least, I think I do). But there is one facet of my life in which I have no grasp of details at all, and it’s the part where you’d think details are most important – situational awareness.

I would make a terrible eyewitness.

That’s not to say that I walk around in Condition White. It’s just that when it comes to my personal safety, I see the forest rather than the trees. I’m pretty sure a neurologist or a psychologist would say that my brain is actually taking in and processing all of the details… they just don’t pass through my conscious mind. When I perceive a threat, sometimes I can’t even say exactly what it is that tips me off. And truthfully, if a particular situation causes my hackles to rise, it doesn’t much matter to me why. And I’m certainly not going to hang around long enough to figure it out.

Even if I can say, “There was a guy who really made me feel uncomfortable,” chances are I’m not going to be able to describe him. It won’t be the color of his shirt or the length of his hair or the shape of his tattoos that ratchets me up to Condition Orange, so those details are totally inconsequential to my survival and they don’t factor into my sizeup of the situation.

Unfortunately, “he creeped me out” isn’t the kind of description that will help the LEOs catch a predator.

On the other hand, I’ve missed out on a lot of adventures (and possibly some misadventures), because there are some places that I just won’t go, some risks that I just won’t take. And when the hair stands up on the back of my head, I don’t question it or hesitate… I remove myself from the situation. Period. Hubby is understanding of that, and when I say “I don’t want to be here”, he doesn’t stop to ask why. There is time enough for that later... much later, like after we're home. And if I can’t say exactly what set off my alarm bells, he accepts that, too. On at least one occasion, my gut feeling has gotten us out of a potentially dangerous situation, but even if I’m just totally paranoid, even if he doesn’t see any threat at all, he respects and trusts my instincts.

In the final analysis, if I reach the end of my life without becoming a victim or having to fight for my life or the life of my loved ones, then the details won’t matter… I won’t ever have to give them as part of a statement.

Ranting Rant

So I have been told this really is a blog of rants. Well, this is my way of venting about stuff that just needs to be said. Just FYI

Dish Network and the loss of Technical Support

Sat TV Rant
So, our local TV station has recently gone all digital. We had an HD flat panel that has a digital receiver but one of our older TV's is analog and is fed by the sat receiver. The sat receiver has a provision for hooking up an antenna and receiving digital broadcasts over the local airwaves.

So, yesterday evening I hooked up the antenna to the input on the sat receiver and had it scan for local digital channels. It found the local channels and was able to play them on the analog TV fine but the program guide showed "Digital Service no information available" since this is an over air broadcast and not a digital signal from the satellite that is expected. Imagine my surprise this morning when I turned on the sat receiver and TV and got the message, signal not found and the program guide was populated with show info as if this was a satellite channel. After going through a couple level of "Service Techs" at Dish Network I am waiting for a technical report to go upstream to some other place for review. The conclusion from their end was this is not an issue with their box it must be a problem with my antenna, cable or the broadcast signal from the TV station. Did I mention that the antenna cable is split and also hooks up to the HD flat panel? Well it still gets the local digital signal just fine.

The "techs" had me disconnecting cables and tried to explain that not all TV stations broadcast full time in digital. Even after I explained multiple times that our local station was only available digital. They no longer had an analog signal and I could get this signal just fine on the TV but not through their box. I can also still get the digital signal through their box for another local channel that isn't available on the satellite. So, the digital tuner in their box IS working, the digital signal IS getting from the TV station to our antenna through our cable to the splitter and their box and the signal is actually digital and our other TV is seeing it. This is a software or purpose full blocking within their box.

All the frustration was from the fact that the technical support is not a technician, they are a call center with a computer in front the of the call screeners that they read instructions off of based on key words phrases or error message numbers off the box. It took an hour plus to get the call center to bump me up to a "sr tech" and for this "sr tech" to decide to bump the call info to another tech center.

This loss of technical service just sucks. I used to be in technical service for semiconductor process equipment and I can guarantee that had we put in a call center with computer screen based phone troubleshooting our customers would have tossed our tools out on the loading dock. Unfortunately, the general public doesn't have the options other than the two satellite providers. Already been on the other system for a few years at our previous place. They weren't much better.

SCISSOR CONTROL

OK, If the Hopolophobes want to ban more guns because of the shootings that happened in the last days, they first need to ban scissors.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,508641,00.html

The guy had the gall to attack a cop after murdering an 8yo boy with scissors.

Sorry but the absurdity of it all just has to be pointed out over and over again. Banning THINGS does not change the evil that is in some peoples hearts.

Main Stream Media are a bunch of twits

Today's news is just a bit overwhelming. Shooting rampage in Alabama with 10 dead, shooting rampage in Germany with 11 dead, Church shooter had "Arsenal" at home.
The definition of arsenal is now

The arsenal in accused gunman Terry Sedlacek's room included two 12-gauge shotguns, a rifle and a box of 550 .22-caliber bullets, according to court documents filed Tuesday.

DAMN, my truck qualifies as an arsenal most days.

From Alabama,
"He sprayed bullets through the town," and "where he got out of his car and fired at police with his automatic weapon" and "One of the spots sprayed with bullets was a hardware store "

I am in no way trying to diminish the suffering of those who are victimized by these shootings. These are all violent and cowardly acts by mentally deficient individuals. A person has to be screwed up in the head to commit any such acts and I am willing to bet that once the investigations continue there will be signs indicating these people were a danger to themselves or others.

Just as I am also sure these will no doubt lead to calls for more gun control. While gun control is rather strict in Germany, there is no way a 17 year old former student could have legally had a gun and murder is already illegal so making these despicable acts more illegal is not going to help matters or prevent them or acts like them in the least bit. But, there are people who will try to further restrict our rights in the name of them feeling safer.

Rant Off.
Rant back on

UPDATE
"Myers, the grieving sheriff's deputy, made an appeal Wednesday to tighten the country's laws on the ownership of automatic weapons."

If in fact this was an automatic weapon and not a semiautomatic being mischaracterized, there are already numerous laws making access to them very controlled. Again, no more regulation of them would have prevented this. I grieve for the deputy and his loss as I also grieve for the families of all those lost in this senseless tragedy. I really do see this as THE EVENT!

Update 2
MSM is headlining gunman with machine gun, Alabama trooper giving press breifing identified the guns as an SKS and Bushmaster with high capacity magazines taped together as well as a shotgun and that he fired "At least 100 round". More hysteria top promotoe the coming ban.

Castle ROCKS

Just finished watching Castle. "DVR's are great aren't they? Being a Serenity / Firefly fan this was a much anticipated show. Add in a really well written script and a few cameo appearances, not to mention Homer Simpson, and you have a great show. I have to say we shall be watching for how this plays out. The pilot rocked and we can only hope they keep the show up at this level.

Chuck gives the finger

The Mrs and I are sitting here watching Chuck when Sarah and Casey get into trouble and a british agent Cole is with Chuck and decides to go in and rescue them. He pulls out two guns and is loading them and basically fondling them. Chuck comments "two guns huh? you really are a badass." and Cole replies, no, one is for you. He hands Chuck the gun and the Mrs immediately says, "Hey look he indexed his finger." Fortunately my mouth was not full at the time. Gotta love it!!

UPDATE
Well being hollywierd and all, of course Chuck adn Cole are on their way in to save the day and Chuck gets hung up in the window and drops his gun.



Wait for it..........


And the gun goes off as it hits the floor! DAMN, and I was really enjoying this.

Range Safety Rant

Range Safety, Etiquette, and General Firearms Safety

So, out of a range trip, how much time do you spend actually lining up the sights and pressing the trigger? Five percent maybe? So how do you handle your gun the other 95% of the time? That is what differentiates shooters from a person with a gun!

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I don't care if you can shoot a 1000yd group that you can cover with you hand or can shoot 2 shots into 20 targets in 5 seconds and get perfect hits on each target, if you step away from the bench and point your muzzle at another person YOU ARE A GOOBER. The rules for gun safety apply all the time and unfortunately, common sense has become all to uncommon.

You do not handle your gun to change mags so you can top off the mag in your gun while standing around behind the firing line. While you may keep you finger off the trigger and have the gun pointed at the dirt near your feet and the gun is being used on the range so it is loaded, you still do not do this. If people are down range of you, even if you are on the firing line, you do not handle your gun. Even if it is "unloaded"!

You know what kind of gun most people are shot with accidentally? An UNLOADED one. Famous last words of "It's OK, it's unloaded" are all too often followed by a very load bang. Just as you should know what condition your gun is in at all times. If you "unloaded it, you should be sure that you cleared the chamber as well as dropped the mag. While that is common sense, it happens all the time and again leads to the gun going bang when it shouldn't.

If you got a new gun and want to show off how big your caliber is, do it on the line or at a safety area for handling guns. Don't just whip it out in the parking lot or behind the line thinking "it's OK, it's unloaded"! IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT OK!

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No, I wasn't shot at class this weekend and no, no one else was. I did get to see a couple of muzzles and corrected improper/unsafe behavior. Hopefully lessons learned and I will never have to worry about these people again.

And a note for instructors and other range goers, DO NOT PANIC when something like this occurs. If you scream, jump, run or otherwise do something to startle the offending armed person, they may very well jerk the trigger in panic. Calmly, approach the problem quickly and get the gun into a safe position and walk the offending gun holder to a safe area and explain the error of their ways and that you do not appreciate seeing the muzzle of their gun. You may add that "If you show me yours, I'll show you mine" does apply in this situation and you would have been perfectly justified in pulling your loaded gun and taking aim at them while diving for cover. If they do not take the correction well, invite them to leave the range or leave yourself. It is not worth your life to spend more time on the range with them.